8-12-2009 this too shall pass

I find myself feeling torn between two families right now.

My sister and aunt came in from out of town to help with the kids while I make the constant commute back and forth between home and Kaiser. I’m so grateful for them, but honestly, once I get somewhere and finally sit down, I never want to leave again.

When I’m with Sammy, I just hold him and cry. I keep wondering what is really going on inside his tiny little body and if there was anything I could have done to prevent all of this.

I feel selfish for wanting him to come out early.

I feel guilty for not eating better during pregnancy.

And every single time I leave him, I cry worrying that he’s going to wake up looking for me, wanting to nurse or be cuddled, and I won’t be there.

Today I actually had to ASK to hold my own baby.

Who has to ask permission to hold their own child?

Apparently I do.

And honestly, it was horrible.

I want to pick him up whenever I want. I want to feed him when he’s hungry — not every three hours because that’s what the hospital schedule says. He knows when he’s hungry.

When I’m home, I try to spend as much time as possible with Aubrey because she’s the one who seems most affected by everything going on right now.

Marissa has Emma to keep her busy, and the boys have basically been allowed unlimited video game time all week, which normally I try really hard to avoid.

Anthony had to go back to work because he’s facing deadlines on his projects. I know this is hard on him too. He only gets to see Sammy for about an hour a day.

He’s home with Aubrey more, which I know she needs, but I also feel like Anthony and I aren’t communicating very well right now. We’re not fighting or anything like that — we just aren’t on the same page emotionally. Neither of us really knows what the other is thinking.

Devun is struggling in his own quiet way too, although I think part of it is just having other people around telling him what to do instead of Mom or Dad.

Anyways, I’ll stop whining because that’s never helped anyone.

Baby update:

All of Sammy’s lab work came back negative, which you would think would be a good thing. But now the doctors really don’t know exactly what’s wrong with him.

His lung does look better, but the X-rays are still showing signs of stress.

The biggest thing keeping him in the NICU right now is the pressure oxygen. He has to fully come off of it before he can come home. The problem is he’s currently on a level 4, and they can only lower it one step at a time. They haven’t even started lowering it yet, so realistically, he could still be there another week.

The doctor who made the recent changes — taking him off the IV and moving him to room heat (YES, he’s finally dressed now!) — is off for the next few days.

So now I’m just hoping the other doctors will continue moving things forward instead of leaving everything where it is.

On the outside, Sammy looks like a perfectly healthy baby boy.

He’s eating A LOT.

Now he just needs to get healthy on the inside so he can finally come home where he belongs.

For now, I just keep reminding myself:

This too shall pass.

He will be home before we know it.