Riding in cars with boys, 10-20-2001

Riding in Cars with Boys written back in 2001!

I was wrong about everything!

I did see the movie with Grandma, but I thought it had been a movie I saw while pregnant. It was not. I had just had my miscarriage about 3 months prior. Devun was nearly 3, and I was just a young mom with daddy issues.

This is what I wrote:

10-20-01Today we went and saw Riding in Cars with Boys. I cannot stop crying. She lived such a sad life, I know, but what I can’t stop thinking about was the father and son relationship. I loved watching how much Ray loved his son. He loved him so much that he left so that his son could have a healthy, more stable life. I just felt like she didn’t really care about her son as much as she should have. She didn’t have those motherly instincts that I felt she needed. She was selfish to me. I don’t know, I can’t put it into words. I just know I am completely devastated over it. And that the fact that it was a true story makes me feel so much worse.

I also started my period today. I was 10 days late and I was really hoping I was pregnant. I am not. I guess I am really upset about that too. I am all sorts of crazy today. I really need to go to bed.

And to top it off, Nicole is pregnant! I really can’t believe that! Her and her husband are going through a divorce and she gets a baby. And me, I am over here desiring one so deeply and nothing.

I know I already wrote my post about Riding in Cars with Boys just a few days ago. But I will tell you, I started crying when I found this.

When this movie had affected me so deeply, I wrote about it. But being so young and not unlocking my child demons just yet, not really understanding what I was feeling…

At the time of this movie I was living in Utah in a basement apartment. Anthony worked at Zumiez at night and Home Depot. (That is written in notes too). I was thinking about going back to school and having my mother and Debbie watch Devun. That never happened—I didn’t end up going back until after I had Charlotte.

Life was hard. Anthony tried to grow up. But reading my journal… holy crap, I don’t know how we stayed married. He has come a long way. He was always the father I wanted to have in my life. He was fun. He played with the kids, involved in sports and all the things.

I think watching this movie is just way too close to home for me. Even though I did have a set of grandparents that loved me, I had a mother and father who just couldn’t stick around at all (my dad) or very often (my mom). I often wish I could see what my life would have looked like if I was adopted, or at least had no contact with my mother.

Would my anxiety be less? Would my depression be gone? It’s nurture over nature…

If you want next, I can also format this into a “chapter-style memoir” with a stronger opening hook and closing line so it reads like a book excerpt instead of a blog post.