All things Trauma

Today I finally made the appointment. On August 5th, I'll sit down with a therapist and begin EMDR therapy to start working through my childhood trauma. If you're just tuning in, I've spent the entire summer writing my book. As I've been writing and talking with my sister, I've realized just how much of my childhood is missing. My brain did what it had to do to protect me from everything that was happening. Don't get me wrong—I remember a lot. Bits and pieces. Half stories. M

Yesterday I walked into a therapist's office for the first time in almost ten years. That sentence alone feels huge. I've wanted to go back to therapy for a long time, but I was terrified. Terrified of what I might remember. Terrified of opening doors my mind has spent years keeping locked. But writing my book this summer has left me with more questions than answers, and I finally realized I couldn't keep running from them. I sat down on her couch, and for almost the entire s

I can't believe it's already July. Anthony took his first week of vacation so we could come to Devun's house and help him get his home and yard back under control. We've spent the last few days working hard, tackling weeds and cleaning everything up. We did run into a little problem with the house itself, but we'll deal with that tomorrow. Today, though, is all about family. Ava came up last night from Utah. Marissa and Zuriel drove in from California. Then, of course, there'

Tonight, someone told me how strong I am. I smiled, thanked them, and accepted the compliment because that's what I've learned to do. But the truth is, strength doesn't always feel strong. Sometimes strength looks like showing up when every part of you wants to disappear. Sometimes it looks like getting dressed, doing your job, celebrating someone else's joy, and saving your tears for the drive home. People see the woman who keeps going. They don't see the battles that never

I think the first fifteen years of my life were the hardest. Looking back, I realize I buried a lot of my emotions. Truthfully, I still do. It's easier for me not to feel than it is to share my feelings, only to somehow end up being treated like I'm the bad guy. It's easier to just hide them away. Although... the last time I did that, I ended up with severe PTSD and couldn't leave my house. I don't know what to do with all these feelings. I'm tired of being told how strong I

Yesterday I had a pool party and invited some people from work. Originally, we were going to do it on Wednesday, but the rain came in hard and fast, so I changed the date. Emily and my grandson Caleb came. Zack showed up a little later too. We sat outside under the umbrella for hours talking while the kids ran in and out of the pool. After holding Caleb for nearly two hours, I finally handed him over to Grandpa and enjoyed a few Ranch Waters while floating in the pool. It was

Riding in Cars with Boys written back in 2001! I was wrong about everything! I did see the movie with Grandma, but I thought it had been a movie I saw while pregnant. It was not. I had just had my miscarriage about 3 months prior. Devun was nearly 3, and I was just a young mom with daddy issues. This is what I wrote: 10-20-01Today we went and saw Riding in Cars with Boys. I cannot stop crying. She lived such a sad life, I know, but what I can’t stop thinking about was the fat

Reading these journals is bringing back memories I haven't thought about in years. I came across an entry from October 14, 2001. "Well good news! Today I found out that I am pregnant." You can practically feel the excitement jumping off the page. I was already figuring out due dates, planning trips, talking about finding a job, and imagining this baby that wasn't even here yet. Then three days later I wrote: "I guess I am NOT pregnant." Talk about emotional whiplash. I rememb

Hello world. I feel like I haven’t written a new blog in forever, and honestly, I don’t really know where to start. I’ve started counseling for PTSD, but what I’m really struggling with right now is severe anxiety. On Thursday, as I was driving to my session, I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe. I tried calling Anthony, hoping he could talk me through it, but he didn’t answer. So I said a quiet prayer—and somehow, that got me there. When I arrived, the therapist had us fil

Good Morning! Last night was… something. Anthony and I went for a walk, came home, showered, and got into bed. I turned on a show to unwind when all of a sudden I got this horrible, gut-wrenching pain in my lower abdomen. The sharpest pain imaginable. The kind where you literally freeze because moving makes it worse. It came completely out of nowhere, and I had NO idea what was happening. I couldn’t move. I just laid there putting pressure on my stomach trying to survive it.

Nov 23rd, 2011 Today we drove to Oakland to see a specialist for another ultrasound. Debbie came down from Utah to be with me, and Anthony was there too. Without doing the amnio, they can’t completely rule out Down syndrome. But I just can’t risk her life for a test. The miscarriage risk was quoted at 3–5%, around a 1 in 200–300 chance. Since we already know we are keeping her no matter what, there just didn’t seem to be a point in putting her through that risk. There are oth

Saturday, November 19, 2011 Anthony opened up to me last night. After he gave me the blessing and said the baby would be healthy, he looked at me and said, “Jen, she can still have Down syndrome and be healthy.” At the time, I thought he was just worrying too much and I told him she would be fine. Then yesterday I was talking to my aunt, who is one of the most positive people I know. When I told her about the blessing and that it said the baby would be healthy, she responded

I find myself feeling torn between two families right now. My sister and aunt came in from out of town to help with the kids while I make the constant commute back and forth between home and Kaiser. I’m so grateful for them, but honestly, once I get somewhere and finally sit down, I never want to leave again. When I’m with Sammy, I just hold him and cry. I keep wondering what is really going on inside his tiny little body and if there was anything I could have done to prevent

After class, I talked to my coach, and she recommended more protein and fewer carbs. So that’s the plan starting today. I already had my eggs this morning, which is saying something because I NEVER eat breakfast. But anyways… that’s not really the point of this post. I was talking to my friend and neighbor on the drive home from the gym. She takes me every day, and we were both saying how almost insulting it feels when doctors label us as “obese.” We’re trying. We’re working

My sister called me today feeling nostalgic, or maybe just remembering the trauma we both spent years trying to bury. She laughed and said she would give me $1,000 if I could remember the name of the movie we saw when we were about 11 and 12 years old — back when we lived in Reno and our mother.. Why was this tramatic ? Well, our mother never came to pick us up from the theater when the movie was over. The memory came back in pieces. We wanted so badly to go to the movies, bu

It seems like every single time my mind drifts toward my mother — even unintentionally — the universe sends me another update about her life. My cousin reached out again today. Apparently, a few weeks ago… or maybe even months ago… my mother walked out of her assisted living facility. She was tired of being supervised 24/7. Tired of rules. Tired of someone always watching her. So she left. And exactly what everyone feared would happen… happened. She ended up back on the stree

All week long I kept having dreams about babies. The first dream was that I got pregnant and had a little girl. Then shortly after, I was pregnant again with another baby. Anthony had lost his job, we were living in an apartment, I was running a daycare again, and I just remember feeling completely overwhelmed. The second dream was another baby girl. She was absolutely beautiful… almost porcelain-like. She was wearing a white dress with a red ribbon, had beautiful brown hair

We are getting closer to Monday, and my subconscious is trying to take over me. Today I got a call from Zack asking if I would go hold Caleb so Emily could have a little R&R. Of course! And then the thought hit me — what if I don’t wake up on Monday? They are putting me under to get my polyps removed and check on some other stuff. What if I can’t wake up? I told Anthony NOT to take me off life support. I will come back! My grandbabies and my children need me. Then it made me

October 15, 2019 Zack has been sick since Sunday night. He ate three chili dogs and then complained that his stomach hurt. I figured he had just eaten too much and sent him to bed. But throughout the night, he threw up several times, and I started to worry it might be food poisoning. Yesterday, he asked for a priesthood blessing. I placed my hands on my son’s head and gave him a mother’s blessing—that his pain and fever would subside and that he would begin to feel better. Af

On this trip, I made a quiet decision: we would bring Christ with us. Each day, we read scriptures together and talk about them. It’s simple, but it’s something—something steady, something light. I’ve needed that light more than I want to admit. Lately, I’ve felt detached from my own family, like I’m present but not really seen. Today we combined yesterday’s reading with today’s. One thought stayed with me: *Satan is real.* He works quietly, pulling us apart, convincing us we