1/13/2016

Hello world.

I feel like I haven’t written a new blog in forever, and honestly, I don’t really know where to start.

I’ve started counseling for PTSD, but what I’m really struggling with right now is severe anxiety. On Thursday, as I was driving to my session, I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe. I tried calling Anthony, hoping he could talk me through it, but he didn’t answer. So I said a quiet prayer—and somehow, that got me there.

When I arrived, the therapist had us fill out a paper about what we’re going through mentally. As I read through the list and checked off my answers, my chest tightened even more. Seeing everything laid out in front of me made me realize just how much I’ve been carrying… and how sick I really feel. I don’t think I fully understood it until that moment.

Before we left, the therapist asked us to commit to doing something for ourselves that week. The only thing I felt I could promise was to come back to the next session—for my family. My doctor gently called me out on that and said I should be doing it for myself.

That stuck with me.

It made me realize something I’ve probably been avoiding for a long time—I don’t really know who I am. I never spent much time figuring that out before I got married, and even after, my whole world became about my kids and what they need, what they love, what they’re involved in.

And I wouldn’t change that. Being a mother is one of the greatest blessings in my life—right alongside being married to my soulmate. But as my kids grow up and eventually leave the nest, I can’t help but wonder… what will be left? Who am I outside of all of that?

I started going back to school as something for me, but with depression, it’s been hard to focus, hard to stay motivated, and hard to succeed the way I want to. I’m hopeful that by next fall, I’ll be in a healthier place to try again. For now, I think my focus needs to be on figuring out who I am.

I had another one-on-one session today, and we talked more about my mom. Logically, I understand that certain things are not my fault. But emotionally, it’s a different story. My feelings don’t always line up with what I know to be true. So I’m learning to say things out loud, to process them, and hopefully start shifting those feelings into something healthier.

I have so much more I could say, but I can feel my mind starting to drift, and it’s hard to stay focused.

So I’ll stop here for tonight.