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I had therapy yesterday, and we started mapping. I wasn't really sure what to expect when she said we were going to start mapping for EMDR. I thought maybe it would just be putting memories in order. But it already feels like it is becoming something much deeper than that. She asked me about some of the things I believe about myself. I know I can't stand up for myself.I don't value myself.I feel inadequate.And I can't share my emotions until I snap. That last one really hit m

Yesterday was therapy session number four. I have noticed that we go off-topic a lot during therapy. I know most of that is probably me. My brain is so damaged—or at least that's what it feels like sometimes—and my ADHD plays a huge part in how my thoughts move from one thing to another. One minute we're talking about something important, and the next minute I am telling a completely unrelated story. Yesterday, we did some questions and answers to see if I would be a good fit

I had therapy yesterday. This was my third session, and we were supposed to talk about my most recent trauma. But we ended up going in a completely different direction. And honestly, that’s okay. We talked about boundaries. All the different kinds of boundaries there are in this life, and what they look like. She asked me if I had boundaries growing up. She asked me about my role models. The truth is, I didn’t really have any good examples of boundaries. My grandmother had ze

Today was my second day of therapy. It has been two weeks since my first appointment, and I am almost finished with the book my therapist asked me to read. We decided to meet again next week because there was a lot that wasn't said today. We also decided that we are going to do some mapping for EMDR therapy. The plan is to work on some of the things happening in my life right now and then slowly work our way backward. I think that might be exactly what I need. When I walked i

Of course, the one day I have to work late is the one day something happens at home. I called Anthony earlier and told him I would be home by 7. I was secretly hoping he would go home early instead of staying at work until his normal 5:30 leave time. Apparently, the universe had other plans. At 5:05, Sam called me, and he was nearly in tears. “Mom, Will fell on the floor and hurt himself. He isn't breathing very well, and he can't move from his belly to his back.” Of course,

I have been working hard on writing my book, and I pulled out my old journals and stumbled upon some of my grandparents' writings. Yesterday I was a wreck reading through things, as they were literally answering my questions through their writing. That is one very important reason I feel so driven to write my history for the kids. I have my journals they can read when I die, but they are all mixed up. I want them to be able to see it in order as it played out. It's been so ha

Today I finally made the appointment. On August 5th, I'll sit down with a therapist and begin EMDR therapy to start working through my childhood trauma. If you're just tuning in, I've spent the entire summer writing my book. As I've been writing and talking with my sister, I've realized just how much of my childhood is missing. My brain did what it had to do to protect me from everything that was happening. Don't get me wrong—I remember a lot. Bits and pieces. Half stories. M

Yesterday I walked into a therapist's office for the first time in almost ten years. That sentence alone feels huge. I've wanted to go back to therapy for a long time, but I was terrified. Terrified of what I might remember. Terrified of opening doors my mind has spent years keeping locked. But writing my book this summer has left me with more questions than answers, and I finally realized I couldn't keep running from them. I sat down on her couch, and for almost the entire s

Anthony’s mom called tonight. I haven’t really shared much about this because, honestly, it isn’t my story to tell. But I also know there are so many families quietly walking through things like this, and sometimes sharing our struggles helps someone else feel a little less alone. Anthony’s mom has early-onset dementia. She is only 66 years old. Her own mother passed away from dementia, so this has been something the family has feared for a long time. Watching it become our r

Sam is gone this week. He headed to San Antonio for the week to celebrate his best friend's birthday, and I have to admit... I miss the kid. I cannot believe he is going to be a senior this year. How is that even possible? He'll be 17 on August 6th, but he's definitely what I call a young 17. He still doesn't have his driver's license and only recently got a job... a job he already wants to quit because wrestling starts soon. Priorities, right? This weekend Anthony decided it

I am lying next to my husband, and for the first time in almost 24 hours, he's finally asleep. I never thought the sound of someone snoring would bring me so much peace. If you follow us on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook (@durstfamilychaos), you already know Anthony had surgery yesterday. If not, here's what has been going on. Back in February, Anthony was in a car accident while he was working. A woman made a left turn right in front of him, and he T-boned her. He had the ri

Our trip is coming to an end. Saying goodbye has always been hard for me. I live for my family, and not being near them all the time is depressing. I wish I could watch Jack grow up. This trip he seemed so distant from me. For the longest time he was afraid of me, and I was so busy helping Anthony with Devun's yard that I didn't push him. I didn't want to terrorize my grandbaby. He did learn my name, though, and he calls Anthony "Papa." It's super cute! I just wish it wasn't

I can't believe it's already July. Anthony took his first week of vacation so we could come to Devun's house and help him get his home and yard back under control. We've spent the last few days working hard, tackling weeds and cleaning everything up. We did run into a little problem with the house itself, but we'll deal with that tomorrow. Today, though, is all about family. Ava came up last night from Utah. Marissa and Zuriel drove in from California. Then, of course, there'

Tonight, someone told me how strong I am. I smiled, thanked them, and accepted the compliment because that's what I've learned to do. But the truth is, strength doesn't always feel strong. Sometimes strength looks like showing up when every part of you wants to disappear. Sometimes it looks like getting dressed, doing your job, celebrating someone else's joy, and saving your tears for the drive home. People see the woman who keeps going. They don't see the battles that never

I think the first fifteen years of my life were the hardest. Looking back, I realize I buried a lot of my emotions. Truthfully, I still do. It's easier for me not to feel than it is to share my feelings, only to somehow end up being treated like I'm the bad guy. It's easier to just hide them away. Although... the last time I did that, I ended up with severe PTSD and couldn't leave my house. I don't know what to do with all these feelings. I'm tired of being told how strong I

Marissa and Zuriel flew in to celebrate Anthony's birthday and Father's Day! It was a quick trip for them, but we made sure to squeeze in as much fun as possible. Marissa was sad that Zack wasn't able to spend much time with us. He had to work, and his schedule is made weeks in advance. Thankfully, Emily brought the baby over both days so everyone could get some time together. We all went to dinner as a family at Taphouse. Zack, Emily, Marissa, Zuriel, Sam, Aubrey, Maia, Char

Yesterday I had a pool party and invited some people from work. Originally, we were going to do it on Wednesday, but the rain came in hard and fast, so I changed the date. Emily and my grandson Caleb came. Zack showed up a little later too. We sat outside under the umbrella for hours talking while the kids ran in and out of the pool. After holding Caleb for nearly two hours, I finally handed him over to Grandpa and enjoyed a few Ranch Waters while floating in the pool. It was

Riding in Cars with Boys written back in 2001! I was wrong about everything! I did see the movie with Grandma, but I thought it had been a movie I saw while pregnant. It was not. I had just had my miscarriage about 3 months prior. Devun was nearly 3, and I was just a young mom with daddy issues. This is what I wrote: 10-20-01Today we went and saw Riding in Cars with Boys. I cannot stop crying. She lived such a sad life, I know, but what I can’t stop thinking about was the fat

Reading these journals is bringing back memories I haven't thought about in years. I came across an entry from October 14, 2001. "Well good news! Today I found out that I am pregnant." You can practically feel the excitement jumping off the page. I was already figuring out due dates, planning trips, talking about finding a job, and imagining this baby that wasn't even here yet. Then three days later I wrote: "I guess I am NOT pregnant." Talk about emotional whiplash. I rememb

This little guy turned 5 yesterday. It’s hard to believe that five years ago he came into this world weighing just 5 pounds and blue as a smurf. The entire labor process, I knew something was wrong. I even asked Anthony to give me a blessing because his heart rate stayed around 125, which felt low to me. Then with every contraction, it would drop even lower. When he was born unresponsive, they called a code blue and suddenly the room filled with nurses. Everyone was working o