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I feel like the only time I write lately is after therapy. writing has always been my escape. It’s how I process things, how I make sense of my thoughts, and how I try to untangle the mess inside my head. This past weekend, I got some terrible news. And processing things has never been easy for me. Silence has always felt like a burden. I tend to talk when I probably shouldn’t, speak before I think, and share way more than I probably need to. But when I really need to get my

It started at 4 a.m. for me. We were only in California for a few days, so apparently my body decided it was going to stay on Texas time. I felt terrible because I was going to bed by 8 every night, but no matter what I did, my brain was wide awake at 4 a.m. every morning. Today was no different. We got out of bed at 5 a.m. to get ready for the airport. We arrived around 6:30, only to be greeted with a flight delay. And then another delay. And another. It was one thing after

We are in Cali! And I know I should have sat down last night after we picked up Ava and written a little recap of our first day. But honestly, I was EXHAUSTED. My day started at 4 a.m. Texas time, and by the time we finally got to bed, it felt like I had lived two extra hours of life. This momma was DONE! But here I am, trying to get it all written down before the weekend flies by and the memories start blending together. Day One: Welcome to Cali! Yesterday, Zuriel and Mariss

A few months ago, Marissa asked if I wanted to come to California and celebrate Ava’s 21st birthday with them. OF COURSE! I love when my kids invite me to do things with them. Anthony had some time off, so he decided to join me. If you’re just tuning in, I am terrified of airplanes. I’ve only flown a handful of times, and I much prefer driving, where I’m in control. I’ve come a long way, though. I used to not even be able to look down out the window. But here I am, sitting in

We have been doing some stuff around here! The problem is, by the time I actually have a minute to sit down and write about it, I’ve completely lost what it was I wanted to share. So here is me trying to catch up on everything all at once. I have Mondays and Fridays off this year, and I really wanted to use that time to work on me and my business. Last year, working every day just wasn’t giving me the time or energy to do either one. Friday, I had a newborn session. It was wi

I had therapy—EMDR—yesterday, and without going into too much detail, I will say I left feeling really icky. And it didn’t stop there. Last night, I was woken up from a dream. There was a girl from my youth in it. She was friends with my cousin and lived in her neighborhood. I always had suspicions that things weren’t okay at her home and that she had shared things with my cousin. The first thing my therapist asked me yesterday was if I had any dreams from our last session. I

Today we did the first baby step into EMDR. Up until today, I have been sharing with my therapist all the things here and there, with a lot of jumping around. Last week, we mapped things out and decided we would start with the thought, “I can’t stand up for myself.” It started with a memory from when I was pregnant with my first baby. I was still in high school, and getting pregnant was a huge disappointment for my family. My younger years of life were spent being bounced aro

I had therapy yesterday, and we started mapping. I wasn't really sure what to expect when she said we were going to start mapping for EMDR. I thought maybe it would just be putting memories in order. But it already feels like it is becoming something much deeper than that. She asked me about some of the things I believe about myself. I know I can't stand up for myself.I don't value myself.I feel inadequate.And I can't share my emotions until I snap. That last one really hit m

Yesterday was therapy session number four. I have noticed that we go off-topic a lot during therapy. I know most of that is probably me. My brain is so damaged—or at least that's what it feels like sometimes—and my ADHD plays a huge part in how my thoughts move from one thing to another. One minute we're talking about something important, and the next minute I am telling a completely unrelated story. Yesterday, we did some questions and answers to see if I would be a good fit

I had therapy yesterday. This was my third session, and we were supposed to talk about my most recent trauma. But we ended up going in a completely different direction. And honestly, that’s okay. We talked about boundaries. All the different kinds of boundaries there are in this life, and what they look like. She asked me if I had boundaries growing up. She asked me about my role models. The truth is, I didn’t really have any good examples of boundaries. My grandmother had ze

Today was my second day of therapy. It has been two weeks since my first appointment, and I am almost finished with the book my therapist asked me to read. We decided to meet again next week because there was a lot that wasn't said today. We also decided that we are going to do some mapping for EMDR therapy. The plan is to work on some of the things happening in my life right now and then slowly work our way backward. I think that might be exactly what I need. When I walked i

Of course, the one day I have to work late is the one day something happens at home. I called Anthony earlier and told him I would be home by 7. I was secretly hoping he would go home early instead of staying at work until his normal 5:30 leave time. Apparently, the universe had other plans. At 5:05, Sam called me, and he was nearly in tears. “Mom, Will fell on the floor and hurt himself. He isn't breathing very well, and he can't move from his belly to his back.” Of course,

I have been working hard on writing my book, and I pulled out my old journals and stumbled upon some of my grandparents' writings. Yesterday I was a wreck reading through things, as they were literally answering my questions through their writing. That is one very important reason I feel so driven to write my history for the kids. I have my journals they can read when I die, but they are all mixed up. I want them to be able to see it in order as it played out. It's been so ha

Today I finally made the appointment. On August 5th, I'll sit down with a therapist and begin EMDR therapy to start working through my childhood trauma. If you're just tuning in, I've spent the entire summer writing my book. As I've been writing and talking with my sister, I've realized just how much of my childhood is missing. My brain did what it had to do to protect me from everything that was happening. Don't get me wrong—I remember a lot. Bits and pieces. Half stories. M

Yesterday I walked into a therapist's office for the first time in almost ten years. That sentence alone feels huge. I've wanted to go back to therapy for a long time, but I was terrified. Terrified of what I might remember. Terrified of opening doors my mind has spent years keeping locked. But writing my book this summer has left me with more questions than answers, and I finally realized I couldn't keep running from them. I sat down on her couch, and for almost the entire s

Anthony’s mom called tonight. I haven’t really shared much about this because, honestly, it isn’t my story to tell. But I also know there are so many families quietly walking through things like this, and sometimes sharing our struggles helps someone else feel a little less alone. Anthony’s mom has early-onset dementia. She is only 66 years old. Her own mother passed away from dementia, so this has been something the family has feared for a long time. Watching it become our r

Sam is gone this week. He headed to San Antonio for the week to celebrate his best friend's birthday, and I have to admit... I miss the kid. I cannot believe he is going to be a senior this year. How is that even possible? He'll be 17 on August 6th, but he's definitely what I call a young 17. He still doesn't have his driver's license and only recently got a job... a job he already wants to quit because wrestling starts soon. Priorities, right? This weekend Anthony decided it

I am lying next to my husband, and for the first time in almost 24 hours, he's finally asleep. I never thought the sound of someone snoring would bring me so much peace. If you follow us on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook (@durstfamilychaos), you already know Anthony had surgery yesterday. If not, here's what has been going on. Back in February, Anthony was in a car accident while he was working. A woman made a left turn right in front of him, and he T-boned her. He had the ri

Our trip is coming to an end. Saying goodbye has always been hard for me. I live for my family, and not being near them all the time is depressing. I wish I could watch Jack grow up. This trip he seemed so distant from me. For the longest time he was afraid of me, and I was so busy helping Anthony with Devun's yard that I didn't push him. I didn't want to terrorize my grandbaby. He did learn my name, though, and he calls Anthony "Papa." It's super cute! I just wish it wasn't

I can't believe it's already July. Anthony took his first week of vacation so we could come to Devun's house and help him get his home and yard back under control. We've spent the last few days working hard, tackling weeds and cleaning everything up. We did run into a little problem with the house itself, but we'll deal with that tomorrow. Today, though, is all about family. Ava came up last night from Utah. Marissa and Zuriel drove in from California. Then, of course, there'