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I have been working hard on writing my book, and I pulled out my old journals and stumbled upon some of my grandparents' writings. Yesterday I was a wreck reading through things, as they were literally answering my questions through their writing. That is one very important reason I feel so driven to write my history for the kids. I have my journals they can read when I die, but they are all mixed up. I want them to be able to see it in order as it played out. It's been so ha

Yesterday I had a pool party and invited some people from work. Originally, we were going to do it on Wednesday, but the rain came in hard and fast, so I changed the date. I am such a people pleaser, and honestly, I need to stop. I just want to enjoy life from here on out and leave work at work. Emily and my grandson Caleb came. Zack showed up a little later too. We sat outside under the umbrella for hours talking while the kids ran in and out of the pool. After holding Caleb

Riding in Cars with Boys written back in 2001! I was wrong about everything! I did see the movie with Grandma, but I thought it had been a movie I saw while pregnant. I was not. I had just had my miscarriage about 3 months prior. Devun was nearly 3, and I was just a young mom with daddy issues. This is what I wrote: 10-20-01Today we went and saw Riding in Cars with Boys. I cannot stop crying. She lived such a sad life, I know, but what I can’t stop thinking about was the fath

Reading these journals is bringing back memories I haven't thought about in years. I came across an entry from October 14, 2001. "Well good news! Today I found out that I am pregnant." You can practically feel the excitement jumping off the page. I was already figuring out due dates, planning trips, talking about finding a job, and imagining this baby that wasn't even here yet. Then three days later I wrote: "I guess I am NOT pregnant." Talk about emotional whiplash. I rememb

This little guy turned 5 yesterday. It’s hard to believe that five years ago he came into this world weighing just 5 pounds and blue as a smurf. The entire labor process, I knew something was wrong. I even asked Anthony to give me a blessing because his heart rate stayed around 125, which felt low to me. Then with every contraction, it would drop even lower. When he was born unresponsive, they called a code blue and suddenly the room filled with nurses. Everyone was working o

My heart is breaking over the loss of my Grandpa Joe. He was— and always will be—my “bonus” grandpa. He didn’t have to show up for us, but he did. Over and over again. We were so blessed to have him in our lives when we moved into our home on Lincoln Drive. He was there for all the little things, but also for the big ones. When I was a stay-at-home mom and didn’t have much adult interaction, he was someone I could always talk to. He kept me from going crazy during those long

About a month ago, Aubrey and Ava came home from the store with a tiny kitten. The whole family instantly fell in love. Devun called her his “desk cat” because she would climb up onto his computer while he was doing his MTC work and just lay there with him while I was at work and the other kids were at school. After Devun left, she and Benny became inseparable. They would play together all the time—she would even play catch with him. The two of them really loved each other. S

I’m over here feeling sentimental. I wrote a post about my grandfather, and on Memorial Day my sister called me saying she had been thinking about him. I asked, “Did you read my blog?” She said no :( Then we started talking about all the things we used to do for him. I wish we could have talked longer, but she was at work and had to go. I probably made some of it about me — I’ll be honest, I do that sometimes. It’s one of the many faults I picked up from my mother. But that’s

This world is getting crazier and crazier every day. This morning Anthony went fishing for a little while, and when he got home we drove to Lowe’s because his mom heard they were hiring. We figured we would go put in some applications… but unfortunately they aren’t hiring at this location right now. Huge bummer. While we were there, we also tried to find more tile so we could finish a few things around the house. Of course, they no longer sell the tile we already have and are

Hello world. I feel like I haven’t written a new blog in forever, and honestly, I don’t really know where to start. I’ve started counseling for PTSD, but what I’m really struggling with right now is severe anxiety. On Thursday, as I was driving to my session, I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe. I tried calling Anthony, hoping he could talk me through it, but he didn’t answer. So I said a quiet prayer—and somehow, that got me there. When I arrived, the therapist had us fil

Dr. Appointment I had my 36-week checkup yesterday. I had a whole list of complaints, but honestly the biggest one was all the cervical pain I’ve been having just from moving around. Deep down, I was really hoping that when the doctor checked me he would say the pain was because I was dilating. That honestly would have made my day. Instead, he checked to see if there was an infection. No infection, which is good because I was worried about that too. But… my cervix isn’t dilat

Today I had my routine doctor visit. Baby sounded good on the monitor, and the doctor’s words were, “Only 6 more weeks to go.” He had me schedule another appointment for four weeks from now, and I also “get” to have another ultrasound. Because of all the blood tests and results we’ve had during this pregnancy, they want to keep an eye on the baby’s growth since apparently there’s a chance growth could slow down at this point. So they’ll be calling me to schedule that appointm

Last night I watched Riding in Cars with Boys. It wasn’t the first time I had seen it, and it definitely won’t be the last. I remembered watching it in the theater with my grandma when I was pregnant with Devun… but then I stopped and thought about it, and realized it couldn’t have been that movie. There was no drive-thru scene. So of course I Googled it, and it was actually Home Fries that we saw shortly after I told her I was pregnant with Devun — both starring Drew Barrymo

Good Morning! Last night was… something. Anthony and I went for a walk, came home, showered, and got into bed. I turned on a show to unwind when all of a sudden I got this horrible, gut-wrenching pain in my lower abdomen. The sharpest pain imaginable. The kind where you literally freeze because moving makes it worse. It came completely out of nowhere, and I had NO idea what was happening. I couldn’t move. I just laid there putting pressure on my stomach trying to survive it.

First day of summer! Or I guess I should say… first day of NO school. I did go to work this morning, but only for about an hour. Then I came home and took a nap because last night’s sleep was terrible. Anthony didn’t come to bed until 2:30 a.m., and of course he woke me up when he came in. I am NOT kidding when I say I was outside putting chlorine and shock into the pool at 3 a.m. I just could not lay in bed awake any longer. I had plans to have friends over to swim tomorrow,

Nov 23rd, 2011 Today we drove to Oakland to see a specialist for another ultrasound. Debbie came down from Utah to be with me, and Anthony was there too. Without doing the amnio, they can’t completely rule out Down syndrome. But I just can’t risk her life for a test. The miscarriage risk was quoted at 3–5%, around a 1 in 200–300 chance. Since we already know we are keeping her no matter what, there just didn’t seem to be a point in putting her through that risk. There are oth

Saturday, November 19, 2011 Anthony opened up to me last night. After he gave me the blessing and said the baby would be healthy, he looked at me and said, “Jen, she can still have Down syndrome and be healthy.” At the time, I thought he was just worrying too much and I told him she would be fine. Then yesterday I was talking to my aunt, who is one of the most positive people I know. When I told her about the blessing and that it said the baby would be healthy, she responded

Aubrey has always loved babies. When Sam was only a few weeks old, I put him in his swing while I jumped in the shower really fast. When I came back out, Aubrey had somehow managed to move him from the swing onto the big blanket where he did tummy time on the floor. I never even heard him cry. Looking back now, it makes me cringe imagining my tiny 2½-year-old carefully lifting her baby brother out of the swing and placing him on the floor. Thankfully he was perfectly fine… bu

I got my house REALLY clean today! I can’t believe how much more energy I have now that I’m not throwing up all day. I started in my room, then cleaned the girls’ room, the boys’ room, the front room, and the family room. The kitchen was still looking pretty good from Saturday, but I touched it up a little too. No rest for me today! After that, I made a quick trip to Costco and only bought what we NEEDED. I still somehow spent $200, but honestly that’s WAY better than I norma

Finding My Way Back to Books I remember when I used to love sitting on the couch with a good book. I was part of a book club back then. I always read the books, but I never really clicked with the girls. So, I would usually skip the actual meetings. These days, I love listening to books while I edit photos. I honestly wish I had more time to actually sit down and read again. Funny enough, I’m currently in THREE different book groups. But after Christmas, we all kind of stoppe