lost baby on 7-17-2001

Yesterday I had a pool party and invited some people from work. Originally, we were going to do it on Wednesday, but the rain came in hard and fast, so I changed the date.

Emily and my grandson Caleb came. Zack showed up a little later too. We sat outside under the umbrella for hours talking while the kids ran in and out of the pool.

After holding Caleb for nearly two hours, I finally handed him over to Grandpa and enjoyed a few Ranch Waters while floating in the pool. It was a warm day, and Caleb absolutely loved the water.

Holding him in the pool made me miss Jack. Last summer it was just him and me in the pool, bonding and swimming together. I was made to be a grandma. I miss my far-away kids so much.

After everyone left, we BBQ'd some hot dogs, but Zack wanted to go out for dinner. I wasn't hungry and honestly probably should have gone to bed, but I told him I would LOVE some cheesecake. It had been a while since I had some good carbs.

So off to The Cheesecake Factory we went, where I ordered what was probably a 1,000-calorie slice of cheesecake. Let's just say I'm glad I went to the gym that morning. I ate so many wasted calories yesterday.

As we were walking back to the car, my stomach was sticking out so far that I looked about five months pregnant.

That's when Charlotte said, "We don't need any more babies. Eight was enough."

Without even thinking, I replied, "Well, I was actually pregnant with ten."

Charlotte had never heard about the miscarriage. Neither had Aubrey.

So I told them the story.

About a year after we moved to Utah, I desperately wanted another baby. Devun was only 1 year old, and I was already dreaming about giving him a little brother or sister.

At the time, I was doing daycare and Anthony was working in the freezer at Albertsons. We tried and tried and tried to get pregnant. I took so many pregnancy tests that my aunt joked I should buy stock in them. I bought the cheap ones from the dollar store, and she thought I was crazy. But they worked.

Month after month, I wasn't getting pregnant.

I had so many emotions wrapped up in it. So much guilt. So many questions.

I went and talked to my bishop and told him all about my past sins. He listened, understood, and offered forgiveness. I remember feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

But still, I wasn't getting pregnant.

What the freak was wrong with my body?

I finally went to a doctor and cried through the entire appointment. He put me on Prozac and said maybe it would help me relax enough to get pregnant.

Still nothing.

Then one day, on the drive home, I cried. I pleaded. I begged. I told God that I would have as many babies as He sent my way. I promised I would never stop them from coming.

And guess what?

I got pregnant.

I was the happiest person in the world.

I was also sick as a dog.

I always thought it was probably a girl.

I remember being incredibly sick when we drove from Utah to California to visit Anthony's parents. I was miserable the entire trip.

When we got there, we slept on an air mattress in the living room. Looking back, I'm not really sure why. They had an extra bedroom. At the time, Matt was still living there and had Anthony's old room, so maybe that was part of it. I don't know.

What I do remember is waking up that morning feeling awful.

We had plans to go to the water park with some good friends. Since we had Devun with us, I figured I would stay in the kiddie area all day.

But peer pressure got the best of me.

I went on the Hurricane waterslide.

It was a huge drop.

The next morning, I woke up and felt fine.

Not a little better.

Completely fine.

I wasn't sick anymore.

At first, I didn't think much about it. But as we drove home, I couldn't stop thinking about it. One minute I had been so incredibly sick, and then suddenly nothing.

I told Anthony I was worried. He thought I was overthinking it, but the feeling wouldn't leave me alone.

When we got home, I called the doctor.

I explained what had happened, and he said, "You're about 14 weeks. You're probably just coming out of the morning sickness stage."

Then he added, "But for peace of mind, come on in."

Anthony thought it was all in my head, so he went to work. My grandmother stayed home with Devun, and I went to the appointment alone.

I remember lying there while they searched for the heartbeat.

They couldn't find it.

So they brought in the ultrasound machine.

Then they asked, "Did you see the heartbeat at your last appointment?"

"Of course," I said.

They told me they wanted me to go across the parking lot to the hospital and use a better machine. Maybe they just weren't seeing it.

I called Anthony and cried as I walked to the hospital.

They took me back right away.

I remember lying in a dark room with the window behind me while the technician performed the ultrasound.

Then they told me my baby was gone.

I cried all the way home.

And for years, I believed I had killed my baby on that waterslide.

It was the only explanation I could come up with. The only thing I had done wrong.

My doctor called and scheduled a D&C for later that week.

I remember completely disconnecting from the experience. Sitting in the hospital bed with the curtain closed, waiting to be put under, knowing my baby would be taken from me.

When I woke up, Anthony was there.

I went home and climbed into bed.

A friend had given me a cradle. I set it up beside my bed and just stared into it while I cried.

All my dreams for that baby were gone.

I wanted that child so badly.

And just like that, it was over.

I was determined to try again right away. Anthony's mom thought we should wait and not rush into anything. Anthony wanted me to give my body time to heal and suggested we start trying again in October.

As I told this story to Charlotte and Aubrey yesterday, I realized that even after all these years, it still hurts.

Not in the same way it did back then, but the grief is still there.

For years, I carried the guilt too. I truly believed that one ride on a waterslide had caused me to lose my baby.

Now I know better.

But that young mom in Utah didn't.

She just knew she wanted that baby with every part of her heart.

And she had to learn how to keep living after saying goodbye.