thoughts

My heart is breaking over the loss of my Grandpa Joe. He was— and always will be—my “bonus” grandpa. He didn’t have to show up for us, but he did. Over and over again. We were so blessed to have him in our lives when we moved into our home on Lincoln Drive. He was there for all the little things, but also for the big ones. When I was a stay-at-home mom and didn’t have much adult interaction, he was someone I could always talk to. He kept me from going crazy during those long

About a month ago, Aubrey and Ava came home from the store with a tiny kitten. The whole family instantly fell in love. Devun called her his “desk cat” because she would climb up onto his computer while he was doing his MTC work and just lay there with him while I was at work and the other kids were at school. After Devun left, she and Benny became inseparable. They would play together all the time—she would even play catch with him. The two of them really loved each other. S

I’m over here feeling sentimental. I wrote a post about my grandfather, and on Memorial Day my sister called me saying she had been thinking about him. I asked, “Did you read my blog?” She said no :( Then we started talking about all the things we used to do for him. I wish we could have talked longer, but she was at work and had to go. I probably made some of it about me — I’ll be honest, I do that sometimes. It’s one of the many faults I picked up from my mother. But that’s

This world is getting crazier and crazier every day. This morning Anthony went fishing for a little while, and when he got home we drove to Lowe’s because his mom heard they were hiring. We figured we would go put in some applications… but unfortunately they aren’t hiring at this location right now. Huge bummer. While we were there, we also tried to find more tile so we could finish a few things around the house. Of course, they no longer sell the tile we already have and are

Hello world. I feel like I haven’t written a new blog in forever, and honestly, I don’t really know where to start. I’ve started counseling for PTSD, but what I’m really struggling with right now is severe anxiety. On Thursday, as I was driving to my session, I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe. I tried calling Anthony, hoping he could talk me through it, but he didn’t answer. So I said a quiet prayer—and somehow, that got me there. When I arrived, the therapist had us fil

Dr. Appointment I had my 36-week checkup yesterday. I had a whole list of complaints, but honestly the biggest one was all the cervical pain I’ve been having just from moving around. Deep down, I was really hoping that when the doctor checked me he would say the pain was because I was dilating. That honestly would have made my day. Instead, he checked to see if there was an infection. No infection, which is good because I was worried about that too. But… my cervix isn’t dilat

Today I had my routine doctor visit. Baby sounded good on the monitor, and the doctor’s words were, “Only 6 more weeks to go.” He had me schedule another appointment for four weeks from now, and I also “get” to have another ultrasound. Because of all the blood tests and results we’ve had during this pregnancy, they want to keep an eye on the baby’s growth since apparently there’s a chance growth could slow down at this point. So they’ll be calling me to schedule that appointm

Last night I watched Riding in Cars with Boys. It wasn’t the first time I had seen it, and it definitely won’t be the last. I remembered watching it in the theater with my grandma when I was pregnant with Devun… but then I stopped and thought about it, and realized it couldn’t have been that movie. There was no drive-thru scene. So of course I Googled it, and it was actually Home Fries that we saw shortly after I told her I was pregnant with Devun — both starring Drew Barrymo

Good Morning! Last night was… something. Anthony and I went for a walk, came home, showered, and got into bed. I turned on a show to unwind when all of a sudden I got this horrible, gut-wrenching pain in my lower abdomen. The sharpest pain imaginable. The kind where you literally freeze because moving makes it worse. It came completely out of nowhere, and I had NO idea what was happening. I couldn’t move. I just laid there putting pressure on my stomach trying to survive it.

First day of summer! Or I guess I should say… first day of NO school. I did go to work this morning, but only for about an hour. Then I came home and took a nap because last night’s sleep was terrible. Anthony didn’t come to bed until 2:30 a.m., and of course he woke me up when he came in. I am NOT kidding when I say I was outside putting chlorine and shock into the pool at 3 a.m. I just could not lay in bed awake any longer. I had plans to have friends over to swim tomorrow,

Saturday, November 19, 2011 Anthony opened up to me last night. After he gave me the blessing and said the baby would be healthy, he looked at me and said, “Jen, she can still have Down syndrome and be healthy.” At the time, I thought he was just worrying too much and I told him she would be fine. Then yesterday I was talking to my aunt, who is one of the most positive people I know. When I told her about the blessing and that it said the baby would be healthy, she responded

Aubrey has always loved babies. When Sam was only a few weeks old, I put him in his swing while I jumped in the shower really fast. When I came back out, Aubrey had somehow managed to move him from the swing onto the big blanket where he did tummy time on the floor. I never even heard him cry. Looking back now, it makes me cringe imagining my tiny 2½-year-old carefully lifting her baby brother out of the swing and placing him on the floor. Thankfully he was perfectly fine… bu

I got my house REALLY clean today! I can’t believe how much more energy I have now that I’m not throwing up all day. I started in my room, then cleaned the girls’ room, the boys’ room, the front room, and the family room. The kitchen was still looking pretty good from Saturday, but I touched it up a little too. No rest for me today! After that, I made a quick trip to Costco and only bought what we NEEDED. I still somehow spent $200, but honestly that’s WAY better than I norma

Finding My Way Back to Books I remember when I used to love sitting on the couch with a good book. I was part of a book club back then. I always read the books, but I never really clicked with the girls. So, I would usually skip the actual meetings. These days, I love listening to books while I edit photos. I honestly wish I had more time to actually sit down and read again. Funny enough, I’m currently in THREE different book groups. But after Christmas, we all kind of stoppe

Tomorrow I go for my first of many doctors appointment. It will be me filling out a lot of paper work and all the lab work that needs to be drawn for the first trimester. WOW this pregnancy is going to take forever I guess when you “know” your pregnant cat conception you had an extra 3 weeks to add to your due date. What I am feeling so far with this pregnancy? So so tired. I can sleep all day if the kids would let me. To bad they are way to loud and need lots of attention. I

Sorry I never wrote anything about my doctor’s appointment… honestly, there really wasn’t much to write about. I filled out a bunch of paperwork and signed up for a blood study, so at each appointment I’ll donate about two teaspoons of blood. I swear they already took a TON of blood for all the lab tests. So far everything has come back normal, which is what I expected. Did you know that in the state of California you HAVE to do an HIV and Chlamydia test during pregnancy? It’

Our trip was great! The only downside was that I had to eat every two hours to keep from getting sick. So other than Anthony and Brad thinking I was a pig the entire trip, we had an amazing time. The ocean was so clear, warm, and beautiful. We spent at least twenty minutes every day out in the waves until they completely beat us up and we had to get out from exhaustion. I seriously have bruises to prove it. But riding the waves on our little Costco body boards was so much fun

After having six kids, my tummy is definitely not as strong as it used to be. So if you see me and think I look 16 weeks pregnant out of nowhere… I’m not. I’m only 5 weeks. I guess this is my way of announcing that I’m pregnant. I know I’ve gone back and forth about having another baby, but honestly, the reasons I kept hesitating were selfish ones. Deep down, I really felt like there was one more meant to be part of our family. So… we just went for it. And it happened so quic

I’m sitting at my friend Bernie’s house waiting for my hair dye to kick in while she picks up around the house. She does my hair every six weeks because my hair grows insanely fast, but this time we decided to do highlights for summer and see if it stretches the time between coloring appointments. My gray comes in FAST. It’s funny — on my TikTok and IG (@durstfamilychaos), someone commented that I’d look ten years younger if I dyed my hair, and another person said I looked li

Writing this blog has really made me sit back and contemplate my life. Like… how did I even get here? How did all the big things and little things shape who I am today? The stuff I went through growing up, the people I loved, the people who hurt me, the choices I made, the trauma, the survival mode, the depression… all of it made me into the person I am now. And honestly? I think one of the biggest things I’ve struggled with my entire life is being a people pleaser. Trying to