Burger King

I’m over here feeling sentimental. I wrote a post about my grandfather, and on Memorial Day my sister called me saying she had been thinking about him. I asked, “Did you read my blog?” She said no :(

Then we started talking about all the things we used to do for him. I wish we could have talked longer, but she was at work and had to go.

I probably made some of it about me — I’ll be honest, I do that sometimes. It’s one of the many faults I picked up from my mother. But that’s also how I show people I relate to them.

Anyways, we talked a little about his diabetes and how my sister and foster sister used to help put his compression socks on. I asked her what the other man’s name was who used to come over all the time, but she couldn’t remember. Honestly, she didn’t even remember who I was talking about. I can still picture his face perfectly. If I saw him in a store today, I’d know exactly who he was. But somehow his name has completely slipped my mind.

Today I went with Sam to open his first checking account. Then we went to his FIRST real job so he could fill out paperwork. It happens to be right next to Burger King. The manager warned us not to park there or we’d get towed.

Immediately I thought, “Maybe I’ll get a Whopper Jr. and see if it sparks those old feelings from when Grandpa used to take us.”

I haven’t had fast food besides Chick-fil-A in YEARS. With my GERD, it usually just isn’t worth it. In fact, the last time I had fast food it was a terrible experience. But today I figured I’d deal with the consequences later — whether that’s acid reflux tonight or getting sick this afternoon.

The first thing I noticed? Fast food really isn’t that good without a cold soda to go with it. But I did NOT cave on that one. It’s been over a year since I had soda, and it’s not worth drinking now. I mentally feel stronger than ever, and honestly I think part of that is because I stopped putting that poison into my body.

I still get sad sometimes, but we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t get sad every once in a while. Or in my case… every two weeks when my hormones change.

On Mother’s Day I was crying during our little walk. Hopefully I already wrote about what we talked about. I was missing Grandma, but trying to hold the tears in — just like I did again last night. Anthony told me, “Crying is good. When you don’t cry when you should, you seem robotic. Not human.”

WOW. Thanks babe.

I don’t like showing emotions because when I do, people think I’m crazy.

I also started a very low-carb, high-protein diet last week, so besides a protein shake, this Whopper Jr. will probably be all I eat today. I pray I’ll be fine. i should be fine! RIGHT ???

Grandpa, I miss you. I’m getting ready to read some of the letters you and Grandma wrote each other while you served in the Navy. I know life was hard. Both of you carried so much loss and heartbreak. But I also remember seeing you happy.

I hate that I disappointed both of you. I wish you were around to see me now. You would be so proud of all the kids and myself!

Charlotte is a little artist just like you. Zack and Aubrey love working on cars, just like you did. Devun reminds me of you every single time I talk to him. He’s a little mini-Grandpa.

Can you believe Marissa is going to be a doctor? And Grandma, Ava would probably be doing your hair every week just like she does for little old ladies now. William is still young, but he’s a little smarty pants nonetheless. Sam loves history and wants to write a book — you two would have gone back and forth with ideas for hours.

And I already know you approved of Anthony.

I still remember that night of madness when Grandma and Mom forced me into the car to go face Anthony’s parents. You kept saying, “Talk marriage.” Grandma was too mad to see straight. I probably shouldn’t have told everyone on Thanksgiving. Anthony’s parents were not kind, and honestly it would have been better if everybody had stopped and breathed for a minute. There were too many emotions flying around.

But the day we got sealed in the temple, Brother Taylor — your look alike — approached Anthony and told him how proud he was of us. I still remember the pain in my chest from trying to hold back tears because I knew he was speaking for you.

It was you.

I still believe that today, even if I don’t agree with the church anymore. You were there watching us commit ourselves to each other forever, and you sent someone to deliver your message.

I remember trying to thank Brother Taylor afterward, but my words came out like complete gibberish because I felt it so deeply.

I know I was a bratty teenager, and I did a lot of things I wish I hadn’t. I’m sorry you saw the darkest side of me.

I love you so much.