March 3, 2012

Dr. Appointment

I had my 36-week checkup yesterday. I had a whole list of complaints, but honestly the biggest one was all the cervical pain I’ve been having just from moving around. Deep down, I was really hoping that when the doctor checked me he would say the pain was because I was dilating. That honestly would have made my day.

Instead, he checked to see if there was an infection. No infection, which is good because I was worried about that too. But… my cervix isn’t dilated either. Even though I already knew that was probably what he was going to say, I still started crying. I HATE crying at the doctor’s office.

He did feel really bad for me though. I have REALLY, REALLY bad varicose veins in a very unpleasant place, and the first thing he said when he saw them was that they were causing most of the pain and pressure I’ve been feeling. His solution? Stay in bed with my feet up.

Ummm… HOW exactly am I supposed to stay in bed all day with six kids?

He also said that at my next appointment he would strip my membranes, and that it would more than likely start labor. He told me he couldn’t promise anything, but he would try. So my next doctor’s appointment is a week from Thursday. In the meantime, I’m going to walk, walk, and WALK because I would really love for something to happen sooner.

I realized something yesterday though… this is really all Devun’s fault. He was my first baby, and I went into natural labor with him at 36 weeks. At the time, I didn’t even realize babies could come before 40 weeks and still be perfectly healthy. I was mentally prepared to wait the full 40 weeks. But Devun wanted to join the family early, and honestly I was grateful for that.

Then all my other babies came early too. Some later than I would have preferred by a week or so, but still early enough that I’ve trained my brain to think babies should arrive around 37 weeks. My patience level is officially gone.

Another thing with this baby… she is BIG. All my other babies were between 5 pounds and 6 pounds 12 ounces. After measuring me yesterday, the doctor once again said, “She’s big.”

Can I even have a big baby?Will I still be able to go natural with her?Will she still look tiny to me?

I can literally see and feel her moving around inside me, and she is taking up SO much space. I’ve already gained over 40 pounds and still have a few more weeks left to go… which is usually when I gain even more weight.

I did have a little cry walking out of the doctor’s office yesterday. I know she will come when she’s ready. But I also worry because the babies who “baked” longer seemed to have more blood issues at birth. Zack and Sam were both full-term at 38 weeks, came on their own, and both ended up in the NICU for weeks. I REALLY don’t want to go through that again.

At 37 weeks I got healthy, happy babies — Devun, Aubrey, and Ava. Maybe that’s all just in my head, but these are the things I think about and worry about.

More than anything, I just want a healthy baby. I know I need to be more patient… but I also can’t wait to get out of this rut and finally have her here so we can start living life again. I feel like our whole family has been stuck on autopilot for the last year — just surviving, getting through the day, doing what needs to be done, but not really growing or moving forward. I want life to feel normal again.

Okay, I’m done venting now. Maybe now you understand a little more why I’m so ready to have this baby… or maybe you don’t. But at least I’ve written it all down so that one day, when I start thinking I want another baby, I can come back and remember why ADOPTION would probably be the better option for me.

Because honestly, my body just can’t handle pregnancy anymore.

• Varicose veins

• Sore arm and thumb

• Sciatica

• No energy

• Throwing up for all 9 months

• Feeling crazy without my meds

• Cervical pain

• No sleep

And that’s not even including all the abnormal blood tests and scary ultrasounds we’ve dealt with during this pregnancy.

I know that the second I hold her in my arms, all of this will feel worth it. I truly believe that. But right now, while I’m still pregnant and trying to be a good mom to six other children, it just feels really, really hard sometimes.