Idaho trip, coming to an end

Our trip is coming to an end. Saying goodbye has always been hard for me. I live for my family, and not being near them all the time is depressing. I wish I could watch Jack grow up.

This trip he seemed so distant from me. For the longest time he was afraid of me, and I was so busy helping Anthony with Devun's yard that I didn't push him. I didn't want to terrorize my grandbaby. He did learn my name, though, and he calls Anthony "Papa." It's super cute! I just wish it wasn't "Papa." I want him to say "Grandpa." Maybe with time. He's the one in charge, not us.

I commented to Anthony on this trip about how much all of my adult children are changing. I feel like I don't know them as well as I would like. Seeing them only a few days out of the year just isn't enough for me.

We chose to move to Texas, so that's something I have to learn to live with.

I wish things could have been different, but we had to leave. Marissa and Devun had school to think about, and even though Ava came with us, she needed to get out of Texas so she could start to heal. I just wish we weren't all 27 hours apart. I could handle 10 hours, but even if I moved closer to this area, Zack, Emily, and Caleb would still be in Texas. It's a no-win situation.

With all the crap that came with moving to Texas, I did meet my best friend, and I get to work with some amazing people. I was able to come off my antidepressants and finally start living again.

Devun told me this week that he has to relearn who I am because I'm not the same mom he grew up with.

I'm not really sure what to take from that.

I am happier, healthier, and thriving. No more medications. No more sleeping all day. The vitamin injections have helped my energy so much. Maybe I really am a different person now. I hope that's a good thing.

This week we stayed in Utah for a night, and Ava did my hair. Then we worked from morning until night on Devun's property, trying to remove all the weeds from his lot. It was not an easy task. Even though it looks so much better, we just couldn't get it all finished. We did complete the patio area for him, which was a huge accomplishment.

Unfortunately, something unexpected came up with his house that he needs to fix as soon as possible so he can insure the property.

We also went to the City of Rocks, where the kids climbed, explored, and scared me half to death with how high they were climbing. No harnesses. No ropes. Just confidence.

At one point Sam got stuck, and my heart stopped. But he worked through it, climbed higher, reached his goal, and made it back down safely. I was so proud of him, but I don't think I took a full breath until he was standing on the ground again.

The Snake River was the highlight of our trip. Having all the kids together, even if it was only for one day, meant so much to me. I wish Zack and Emily could have been there too, but Zack had already used all of his PTO when Caleb was born.

Next year we're planning to go to Disney for Caleb's first birthday. I'm so excited to have everyone together again. I need to start saving now because that trip is going to be expensive. But having all my kids together for a few days is worth every penny.

After this week, Anthony finally decided he needs surgery on his elbow. He broke it in three places in that stupid car accident but has been afraid to go under anesthesia. After all the pain he dealt with this weekend, he knows he has to get it fixed. Honestly, that's good news because I've been telling him for months that he needed to do it.

Charlotte was such a great aunt to Jack on this trip. He absolutely adores his Aubrey and his Char. He called for Sam a lot too, and Sam was wonderful with him.

Watching all of my kids work side by side to get the job done made me incredibly proud. Even Zuriel drove up to help and worked so hard. If there's one thing I hope Devun took away from this week, it's how much his family loves him. Everyone showed up. Everyone worked together. Everyone wanted to help him succeed.

As a mother, I worry about all of my children. This trip didn't ease those worries. If I could have one wish in the world, it would be for all of us to live close to one another. Maybe not next door, but close enough that dinner together didn't require months of planning or a 27-hour drive. Even just a few hours apart would feel like a gift.

Until then, I'll treasure every visit, every hug, every memory, and count down the days until we're all together again.