46, a Little Turbulence, and Finally Being Me

A few months ago, Marissa asked if I wanted to come to California and celebrate Ava’s 21st birthday with them. OF COURSE! I love when my kids invite me to do things with them. Anthony had some time off, so he decided to join me.

If you’re just tuning in, I am terrified of airplanes. I’ve only flown a handful of times, and I much prefer driving, where I’m in control. I’ve come a long way, though. I used to not even be able to look down out the window. But here I am, sitting in the window seat, feeling every bit of turbulence and most likely checking out or dissociating from what is actually going on around me.

The turbulence is BAD. I can see all the thin clouds we’re flying through, and I’m really hoping it gets better soon. Otherwise, I might need a drink to relax me!

This is the first time Anthony and I have traveled on a plane without any of our kids since I was pregnant with Charlotte and we went to Mexico with Brad. That was almost 15 years ago! I think we are long overdue for a little getaway.

But as I sit here, somewhere above the clouds, I have a lot on my mind.

This past Wednesday, I celebrated my 46th birthday. I’ve spent a lot of time pondering life this past week, and I have to say, I really love where I am right now.

I am active. I am healthier mentally and physically than I have ever been. I have my people, my family, my work, and, of course, my therapy.

I’m not saying life is perfect. It isn’t. But I finally feel like I’m finding my footing in this crazy world.

I will say that I’m still dealing with a little religious trauma.

The Relief Society person came by while I was at work, bringing a candle and a card. Basically, the message in the card insinuated that I had no light because I wasn’t going to church.

I can tell you right now that I absolutely DO have light. I also have clarity. I have peace, and I feel God’s love in my life every single day.

Just because I don’t follow their "man’s" laws doesn’t mean I don’t follow God’s.

And while we’re throwing things out there, let’s add one more thing to the list: just because I enjoy a social drink doesn’t mean I’m an alcoholic!

If I’ve offended you in any way, maybe you’re in the wrong place.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m tired of feeling like I have to explain myself to everyone. I’m tired of feeling like I have to prove that I’m a good person, a good mother, a good wife, or a good human being simply because I don’t fit someone else’s idea of what those things should look like.

One thing I’ve been working on with my therapist is the shame and guilt I’ve carried my entire life. That constant feeling of never quite measuring up. Of never being what I was supposed to be. Of always falling short of some invisible standard I could never seem to reach.

Guess what?

I am who I need to be.

For myself. For my children. For my husband.

Me works just fine.

I love without conditions, well, as long as you haven’t hurt me mentally, physically, or sexually. I believe in loving people, showing up for them, and giving what I can. But I’m also learning that I can love people without sacrificing myself in the process.

Therapy has brought a lot of demons out of the closet. I’ve started looking at things I experienced at a very young age, things that never should have happened in the first place. I’m slowly putting pieces together and learning to understand parts of myself that I spent years trying to ignore.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve done things I’m ashamed of. But who hasn’t?

I’m learning that I can acknowledge the things I’ve done without allowing them to define the person I am today. I can work on myself, take responsibility for my choices, and still give myself a little grace.

And right now, I’m sitting on an airplane, flying four hours to see my girls.

I haven’t had much time lately to just sit and feel. There’s always something to do, someone who needs something, a job to finish, a house to take care of, or a million little things running through my head.

So that’s what I’m doing right now. Sitting here, with a little turbulence and a whole lot of thoughts, letting myself feel.

Last night, Anthony took me to a murder-themed speakeasy. Definitely not something I would have picked for myself! He was trying to surprise me and think outside the box, and he absolutely did that.

I never would have thought to go to something like that. Four people talking about serial killers, with a themed drink to go along with each “murderer.” It was definitely interesting!

Would I do it again? Probably not. But it was something new, and I appreciate that he wanted to do something different for me.

As we were driving home, I told him how happy I am.

I have some amazing friends. My directors at work are literally like the older sisters I never had. I have people in my life who make me feel supported, loved, and accepted. I’m not constantly trying to figure out where I fit or whether I’m enough.

I just feel at peace.

And honestly, that is something I don’t think I’ve felt very often in my life.

We finally have enough breathing room financially to sneak away on a little trip to California to see our kiddos. It’s such a nice change to be able to do that!

Now, I just have to worry about whether all the kids back home will survive while we’re out playing.

Zack and Emily are babysitting, so I know the kids are in good hands. I’m probably more worried about our dog, Dallas, and whether he’ll get all the attention he needs. Hopefully, the kids will walk him, play with him, and, of course, feed him while we’re gone.

It’s only three nights. We can do this!

Anthony’s mom has been slowly forgetting us as her early-onset dementia progresses. It will be nice for Anthony to spend some time visiting with her while we’re here. We came up last Thanksgiving, but we aren’t planning on making the trip this year.

Ava graduates from cosmetology school in December. We won’t know the exact date until practically the last minute, so we’ll probably be booking a last-minute flight to see her graduate. That will be the last of Anthony’s vacation time until January, and we also have two camping trips lined up.

Life is busy, but it’s a good kind of busy.

So, here I am.

A 46-year-old photographer, teacher of all things, tour director, wife, mother, sister, and friend.

Still figuring out this crazy world at 46 years old.

Still learning about myself. Still working through old wounds. Still making mistakes. Still trying to be better.

But I’m also learning to appreciate the life I have instead of constantly focusing on the things I think I should have done differently.

I’m learning that I don’t have to be everything to everyone. I don’t have to fit into someone else’s box. I don’t have to keep proving my worth.

I can just be me.

And maybe that’s what this season of life is all about. Learning to love the person I am today while giving the younger versions of myself a little grace for everything they went through.

I don’t have it all figured out. Not even close.

But I have a family I love, friends who show up for me, work that I enjoy, and a life that I’m finally learning to appreciate.

And even with all the turbulence, I’m happy to be right where I am.

Here’s to 46.

To loving as much as I can, giving as much as I can, and finally learning that I don’t have to give away pieces of myself to prove that I’m enough.

Because I am enough. And being me is enough.