Sammy NICU update 8-12-2009

Between Two Worlds

Lately, I feel like I’m being pulled between two worlds.

My sister and aunt came in from out of town to help with the kids while I make the constant trips back and forth between the hospital and home. I’m so grateful for them—but no matter where I am, I feel torn. When I’m at the hospital with Sammy, I don’t want to leave. And when I’m home with my other kids, I feel like I should be back with him.

When I’m with Sammy, I just hold him and cry. I keep wondering what’s going on inside his little body and if there was anything I could have done differently to prevent all of this. I feel selfish for ever wanting him to come early. I feel guilty for not eating better during my pregnancy. And every time I leave him, my heart breaks. I worry he’ll wake up looking for me—wanting to nurse or be held—and I won’t be there.

Today, I had to ask to hold my own baby.

Who has to ask to hold their own child?

I did. And it was one of the hardest things I’ve experienced. I want to be able to pick him up whenever I want, feed him when he’s hungry—not on a strict three-hour hospital schedule. He knows when he needs me. And right now, I can’t always be there the way I want to be.

At home, I try to give as much attention as I can to the other kids. Aubrey seems to feel things the deepest—she’s the one who really notices the shift in our family. Marissa has been spending time with Emma, and the boys have been enjoying more video games than I’d normally allow. Honestly, I’ve let some things slide—this isn’t a normal week.

Anthony had to go back to work because of deadlines, which has been hard on him too. He only gets to see Sammy for about an hour each day. He’s been home more with Aubrey, which she really needs, but I can feel that we’re not quite in sync right now. We’re not arguing—we’re just not fully connected. We don’t always know what the other is thinking or feeling, and that distance is hard.

I think Devun is struggling in his own way too, even if he doesn’t say it outright. He’s not used to having other people step in and tell him what to do, and I can see that adjustment hasn’t been easy.

I’ll stop there—I know dwelling on the hard parts doesn’t always help.

Baby update:

All of Sammy’s labs have come back negative, which you would think is good news—but it also means they still don’t have clear answers about what’s going on. His lungs are looking better, although his X-rays still show some stress.

Right now, the main goal is to get him off the oxygen support. He’s currently on level 4, and they can only reduce it one step at a time—and they haven’t even started that process yet. So realistically, he may be in the hospital for another week.

The doctor who had been making progress—taking him off the IV and moving him to a regular crib (yes, he’s finally dressed!)—is off for a couple of days. I’m really hoping the covering doctor will continue moving things forward.

On the outside, Sammy looks like a perfectly healthy baby boy. He’s eating a lot and growing stronger every day. He just needs to catch up on the inside so he can finally come home.

For now, I keep reminding myself: this too shall pass.

He’ll be home before we know it.