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It seems like every single time my mind drifts toward my mother — even unintentionally — the universe sends me another update about her life. My cousin reached out again today. Apparently, a few weeks ago… or maybe even months ago… my mother walked out of her assisted living facility. She was tired of being supervised 24/7. Tired of rules. Tired of someone always watching her. So she left. And exactly what everyone feared would happen… happened. She ended up back on the stree

All week long I kept having dreams about babies. The first dream was that I got pregnant and had a little girl. Then shortly after, I was pregnant again with another baby. Anthony had lost his job, we were living in an apartment, I was running a daycare again, and I just remember feeling completely overwhelmed. The second dream was another baby girl. She was absolutely beautiful… almost porcelain-like. She was wearing a white dress with a red ribbon, had beautiful brown hair

Today was a LONG day. Anthony was there with me through all of it. They had him wait in the waiting area while they did my IV and checked my blood sugar. Surprisingly, my sugar hasn’t been that low in years. Maybe the weight lifting is finally helping… or maybe it was the 36 hours of fasting. Honestly, probably the fasting with my luck. We got home from the surgery center around 4:00 . I didn’t even get out of bed until 11:20 tonight. My upper throat all the way through my ba

We are getting closer to Monday, and my subconscious is trying to take over me. Today I got a call from Zack asking if I would go hold Caleb so Emily could have a little R&R. Of course! And then the thought hit me — what if I don’t wake up on Monday? They are putting me under to get my polyps removed and check on some other stuff. What if I can’t wake up? I told Anthony NOT to take me off life support. I will come back! My grandbabies and my children need me. Then it made me

This past year, I made the decision to finally start focusing on myself and my health. As moms, we spend so much time taking care of everyone else that we often ignore the things our own bodies are trying to tell us. For years, I kept pushing through pain and discomfort, convincing myself it could wait. But this year, I decided it was time. As I’m writing this, I’m struggling to fight off whatever bug my body has decided to take on. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed with photos that

October 15, 2019 Zack has been sick since Sunday night. He ate three chili dogs and then complained that his stomach hurt. I figured he had just eaten too much and sent him to bed. But throughout the night, he threw up several times, and I started to worry it might be food poisoning. Yesterday, he asked for a priesthood blessing. I placed my hands on my son’s head and gave him a mother’s blessing—that his pain and fever would subside and that he would begin to feel better. Af

As I read through my old journal from 2019, I’m flooded with emotion. I was lost back then—holding onto church while also carrying a heavy weight of depression. My relationship with my husband was struggling, and my children didn’t fully understand what I was going through. I wrote a lot about religion, trying to make sense of everything and to feel some kind of peace. Keep that in mind as you read these personal thoughts. Here we go. **August 9, 2019** “As we seek to ministe

Back in December, my best friend got an email about tickets for Savannah Bananas—and somehow her husband got one too. She asked if I wanted to go, and obviously my answer was YES. We didn’t get to sit together, but we did get to hang out for a bit, which made it worth it. Now, I have to be honest about something… I am absolutely terrified of heights. Like, truly terrified. And apparently, so is William—I learned that last night. Our seats were basically at the very top. No re

I wanted to write this before I forgot how full this day really was. The rain came in hard last night—thunder and lightning that started around midnight and woke me up every few minutes after that. By 3 a.m., I finally gave up on sleep, got out of bed, started some laundry, and grabbed something to eat. I got ready for my 5:30 a.m. gym class, then laid back down for about 20 minutes before it was time to leave. After the gym, I came home, had my one cup of coffee (my only non

Last night was one of those moments I don’t want to forget. Lately, things have been hard—especially financially. It feels like we’ve been barely making it through each month, catching our breath just long enough to step into the next one already behind. We’ve been hoping to refinance our house to pay off some debt, put a little into savings, and start setting money aside for Devun’s mission in a couple of years. At one point, we even considered selling the house. But in orde

I started school again this week—biology and English—and so far, I’m really loving it. I do miss a lot being away from the kids from 5:30–10:20 every night, but at the same time, I really enjoy getting out and having something that’s mine. Before classes started, we went to Rollins Lake for our annual Dirato campout. It was such a fun trip. My cousin Rachel came with her kids, along with Brad and Andressa, and of course Toni, Matt, Ashleigh, and Mars. We camped for five days—

Today Marissa went to her first church dance with her friends—Elizabeth Simmon, Olivia, and Elizabeth Webster. Devun took her to get a dance card, and it immediately brought me back to my own first church dance. It really does feel like a rite of passage when you turn 14. I remember being so excited to go. I couldn’t wait. But by the end of the night, I was so sick with the stomach flu that I was literally laying in the middle of the dance floor, completely miserable. We had

Summer is flying by. Zack leaves Monday for scout camp, Marissa left yesterday for girls camp, and Devun heads out next Wednesday for high adventure. Aubrey and Ava went to Six Flags today with their friends from school—Ava even went on her first upside-down rides. I’m kind of glad I wasn’t there, because I would have been freaking out for her. Aubrey stuck to the water rides and had a blast. Devun has been working with our neighbor across the street this summer, helping cut

I feel like I haven’t written anything fun or exciting—or even shared a real update on our family—in a long time. Life has just been so busy lately. It feels like I blink and the day is over. So here’s a quick update on everyone, starting with the youngest: William is growing so fast. He still doesn’t talk much, mostly because he has so many siblings who seem to read his mind. He’s incredibly smart… and very sassy. When his front teeth came in, they had little holes and cavit

Last weekend we drove home from Utah, finally picking up everything from our storage unit now that our cabinets are in and we actually have space for our kitchen things. It felt like a big step forward—until everything else started unraveling. Anthony was really sick but still went to work, leaving the U-Haul for me to unload. I went to school, came home feeling awful myself, and ended up sleeping most of Tuesday. That night, Sammy mentioned his neck hurting—something he’d be

Published 2016/12/06 Today felt like one of those days that just keeps unfolding. Samuel had his post-op appointment this morning. The doctor removed some of the gauze from his incision and said it’s still draining, so the wick will need to stay in for a few more days. When I changed his bandage later, there was so much pus and fluid—it’s hard to see that and not feel a little overwhelmed. He’s still really sore too, which makes everything just a bit heavier. They sent a samp

2/27/2007 I feel like we work and work and work and we have zero reward. I 100 % know god Is real. I just want to know what I have to do to get through this fiincial trial . Anthony works about 60 hours a week, I work about 50 with my Daycare and then 24/7 with the kids. How is this not enoough? Why can’t we go into the store and buy the things we need? I need new clothes, I want to be able to stay home with my own children. Like I said, what do I have to learn to be able to

Today was another one of those days that felt like it held a little bit of everything. Dress rehearsal is finally behind us, and tomorrow the curtain goes up. There’s always this strange mix of exhaustion and excitement right before a show —like you’ve poured everything into something, and now you just have to let it be what it’s going to be. In the middle of all of that, I have a doctor’s appointment for my prolapse. It was supposed to happen the day Emily went into labor, t

Ran into her (the Neighbor from Hell!) tonight while we were out on a family walk. The glares… honestly, they’re almost funny at this point. Full-on, dramatic, disapproving stares—as if we’re the problem in all of this. I had to hold back from laughing. It’s wild to me how someone can go out of their way to report every little thing to the city, spread things that aren’t true about my child, and still carry themselves like they’re completely in the right. Anthony and I just l

December 28, 1998 Well, I got you, Diary, for Christmas three days ago from my grandmother. Today was very, very hard. My grandpa went to the hospital because he had a heart attack. I keep thinking it might have been caused by me. I am 18 years old and pregnant. I told my grandparents on Thanksgiving when we came home from my Aunt Debbie’s house. My cousin had just turned one, and she is seven and a half months pregnant—but she is planning to give her baby up for adoption. I